Breaking News: Books Now Extinct, Human Civilization Collapses Into Total Chaos
Live from Medium Fakeified
August 06, 2023: Late last night, in a turn of events that no one saw coming except for the ultra-paranoid doomsayers who also think that squirrels are secretly controlling the world’s economy, books have completely vanished from the Earth.
You heard that correctly.
Those things made of paper with words on them — gone. Poof! Vanished like a magician’s assistant in a poorly attended Vegas magic show.
Your shelves are now emptier than the promises of a politician on the campaign trail.
No one knows exactly when it happened.
Did we fall into a deep, collective slumber and fail to notice?
Or maybe the books themselves got sick of us ignoring them for our gleaming screens and decided to just walk out the door.
After all, who wouldn’t get annoyed by being passed over night after night in favor of binge-watching yet another season of “The Great Baking Show of Antarctica?”
Experts are, of course, baffled.
Not because of the inexplicable disappearance of books, but because they had completely forgotten books were a thing.
“We assumed everyone had moved on to e-books, audiobooks, or had evolved to absorb information through osmosis. You mean, actual physical books were still a thing? Fascinating,” Dr. Karen Papyrus, head of the Department of Technological Obsolescence at the University of Silicon Valley, said in a statement.
Meanwhile, the world is rapidly descending into chaos.
Libraries have become haunted houses filled with empty shelves, librarians roam the streets aimlessly, and bookstore owners have started therapy groups. Not to mention, English teachers are now considered the walking relics of a bygone era, and are approached with the same reverence reserved for extinct species.
Meanwhile, the global printer ink and paper industries have collapsed overnight, with their CEOs now seen begging for jobs at the Apple store. One can only hope they are soon to be followed by telemarketers and spam email senders.
On the bright side, trees around the world are breathing a sigh of relief, as they are now safe from being turned into “Fifty Shades of Grey.” But unfortunately, without books, the origami industry is on the brink of disaster, sending a ripple effect of economic woe through the world of tiny paper swans.
Yet, there is some hope amidst this terrible disaster.
E-book sales have rocketed up by approximately 10,000 percent and the world record for the number of people using “I forgot my Kindle” as an excuse for not reading is being broken as we speak.
While the disappearance of books may seem like a catastrophe, perhaps it’s just a bold leap forward in the evolution of our society. A society where we will no longer have to suffer the trauma of paper cuts, or the heartbreak of dog-eared pages.
Until, of course, the electricity goes out and we realize our battery-powered e-readers aren’t quite as reliable as we thought.
But let’s cross that bridge when we get to it. Stay tuned for more updates on the mysterious case of the disappearing books.
Reporting from a world bereft of books, this is Medium Fakeified, where even the most absurd realities are our bread and butter.
